Aquaman vs. Marvel Comics

DC VERSUS MARVEL #2, DC Comics/Marvel Comics, March 1996
DC vs. Marvel, or if you prefer, Marvel vs. DC was the mini-series that was finally supposed to put the bed the question of which company was better, or rather, which characters could beat which characters. It did neither, making the case that perhaps both companies sucked hard eggs for putting us through this meaningless exercise in marketing.

Basically, while writer Peter David tried to give us some "trippy" scenes, such as Marvel's Mole Man exploring DC's Batcave, or the Kingpin buying the Daily Planet, the book is really about various heroes and villains duking it out. There are meaningless fights like Captain America defeating Bane, or the Spectre and the Living Tribunal vomiting at each other (I kid you not, and yet, have no desire to show you that panel), but the plot really revolves around 11 key battles set up by a couple of gods.

More Marvel characters win, the DC Universe is wiped out. DC wins, Marvel is destroyed. The big two (Marvel and DC, not the cookie cutter gods) allowed fans to vote on the 5 biggest fights, but the results aren't revealed here. I'll do a feature on that load of bullshit sometime, because it really is just too extreme. In short, it's the People's Choice version of a superhero battle, so whoever's more popular wins it, and common sense be damned. It's the same kind of feeling you get when you see The daVinci Code on the bestseller list.

At least the other 6 fights are written by a writer. Three of them go down here. Thor defeats Captain Marvel by Shazaming him with a thunderbolt, Flash easily kicks Quicksilver's mutant ass (there's just no comparison between their power levels), and then Aquaman and Namor the Submariner go toe to webbed toe. Who wins? Well, this wouldn't be "Aquaman ROCKS week" if that sissy Namor won, would it?

In case you don't know, Namor is the very first underwater hero and has been around since Marvel Comics #1 (1939), beating Aquaman to it by 2 years. He doesn't talk to the fish, but he can fly and is much, much stronger than Aquaman physically. He's also spent half his time as a villain, so he's supposed to be a badass. The fight starts off well enough... for Aquaman!
But Namor takes it out of the water, where he has more of an advantage (i.e. flight). How's my boy blue gonna do there?
BAM! If I have a problem with this scene, it's that Aquaman throws the Marvel Zombies a bone by admitting to cheating. Clearly, he didn't. He used his head and all his powers. Namor's not noble, he's a chump. If you don't agree with this result, well, you can always go back to reading those Submariner comics you love so much. Or watch the Little Mermaid. Whatever it is you sickos do in your spare time.

Rating just for Aquaman's performance?
Rating for the overall comic?

Star Trek 483: Parturition

483. Parturition

FORMULA: Elogium + The Enemy

WHY WE LIKE IT: The inside joke.

WHY WE DON'T: The Paris-Kes-Neelix love triangle.

REVIEW: Parturition is the process of giving birth. I didn't know and never bothered to check. Imagine that. Neelix's jealousy about Tom Paris comes to a head in this episode, showcasing the very worst of his nature. Unfortunately, Neelix is a comedy relief character, and largely played as a caricature, so it's comedy jealousy, extreme and cartoonish in its presentation. It's very difficult to do proper dramatic or emotional scenes with such a character, so it seems like Neelix gets into a food fight out of the blue, and later bonds with Paris also out of the blue. By the reconciliation, you've had a complete character arc in less than 40 minutes (and Voyager guts another conflict it could have milked for years).

Tom Paris has definitely appeared interested in Kes, but he's not the best character to explore unrequited love. He's one of those Casanovas of the stars, like Kirk and Riker, and while I believe he's attracted to her, all out love is a bit much. At least he's enough of a straight shooter to tell Neelix about it. As far as reconciliations go, it's not a bad one. Man to man talk and all that. Of course, their bonding over an alien baby that precedes it is another matter.

After their immature fighting, the boys find an animatronic reptilian baby on "Planet Hell" (named after the cave set we've seen in all three modern series to date) and having disrupted its birth, they try to care for it. The science of it all is ok, and the baby is cute in a Dinosaurs kind of way (I'm not saying that's a good thing). Meanwhile, in orbit, there's some fairly boring fighting between Voyager and the baby's mother, and oh, Janeway sports her less mumsy haircut from seasons 4 through 7 (but she's back to the bun in the next episode).

LESSON: Don't touch my baby. And that goes double for my infant.

REWATCHABILITY - Medium-Low: Not quite as bad as I thought it was, but it plays very lightly with character arcs.

Rocking From the Beginning

JLA YEAR ONE #6, DC Comics, June 1998
He rocked from the very beginning... JLA Year One is a nice little mini-series principally by Mark Waid and Barry Kitson that details the Justice League of America's first annum (I said annum), and it's full of silver age goodness. Now in the previous issue, the Brotherhood of Evil's Brain (basically an evil brain in a jar) stole body parts of the various leaguers and used them as his own (see cover). So he's got Green Lantern's ring arm, the Martian Manhunter's eyes, Black Canary's voice, and Flash's legs. What? Nothing from Aquaman?

That's right. The Brain is just like the rest of you pagans out there, and he doesn't think Aquaman has the right stuff. Will he come to regret his mistake? You bet.

So since the Brotherhood is basically an enemy of the Doom Patrol's hard-luck heroes, the DP help the JLA get back on their feet (except the Flash, he's gonna be in a wheelchair). The DP's Chief gives them robotic body parts who can sort of do the things they used to be able to do. But not really. There's a reason the Doom Patrol is full of hard-luck heroes. The Chief kinda screwed them with his "help".

And off they go to fight the Brotherhood and the Brain together. The Brain, of course, hands them their asses wrapped in brown butcher's paper. He's got the power of the League, man! It's up to Aquaman, I say! Here's the scene:
See that? Green Lantern's ring works through willpower. Only the most disciplined minds can use it effectively. Each Green Lantern was chosen very specifically for this role, based on very strict criteria*. (Except Kyle Rayner, he just got it out of a crackerjack box or something.) The Brain is certainly no slouch in the mind department (he's hardly anything else), and yet Aquaman TAKES CONTROL OF THE RING off that guy's finger! And uses it to chop his head off with a cutlass ("Go with what you know" says Green Lantern, the guy that's always making brooms and shovels - draw your own conclusions).

Yes, that's right, Aquaman's got the right stuff to be a Green Lantern. Screw you Brain. No wonder the Doom Patrol immediately ask him to join. (He doesn't, he needs to stay in the League so he can eventually destroy it.)

The comic is also notable for a shot of Robotman kicking supple Madame Rouge's ass right up her neck.
Hey, any reason why Madame Rouge never, ever wore red?
*Like who was closest.

Star Trek 482: Twisted

482. Twisted

FORMULA: Parallax + Time Squared + (surprisingly) The Nth Degree

WHY WE LIKE IT: The zen moment at the end.

WHY WE DON'T: Everything else.

REVIEW: The things you remember... I remember that around the time this first aired, producer Brannon Braga went on record saying that he didn't see Star Trek as science-fiction, but as science fantasy. Well, that certainly explains things, but it's not something I could get behind. Whether Twisted really came out parallel to that (as my memory has decided to record it) or not, it's still a very good example of his vision. And why it's a bad thing.

Twisted flirts with character development and the human drama that Star Trek was always meant to be (above and beyond its science-fiction underpinnings), but is much too engrossed in its science fantasy premise to show us much else. Janeway has a short pep talk with Harry, Neelix's jealousy intensified on the occasion of Kes' birthday, Chakotay and Tuvok resolve differences they apparently had pertaining to command style, Tuvok shows an almost emotional loyalty to Janeway... but it's all very brief indeed. The last scene as everyone waits in contemplation for the inevitable is the only one with any real resonance and tension. Appreciated, but coming at the end of too long a wait.

Indeed, most of the episode consists of people running around corridors and never getting anywhere (much like the plot). It's a technobabble problem that isn't even coherent within the way it is presented. The map of the twisted ship isn't anything like the rewritten deckplan they actually contend with. The phenomenon is shown as a ring, but the ship can't use the third dimension to fly out of the hole. The malfunctions caused by the distortions are exactly those needed to allow the plot to unfold (including rerouting the EMH back to the holodeck). No one can get back to bridge, but all they do is walk around corridors and the bridge isn't AT the end of a corridor. Opening doors might also be helpful.

The inevitable technobabble solution doesn't work, leaving the more mechanical (thruster out) resolution unworkable, but again, it's all blablabla (as bad as Janeway's aphasia), so how are we supposed to evaluate any solution's merits? In the end, the solution is to ride it out and do nothing. How anti-climactic. Yes, I admit to liking that scene, but I wish we'd gotten to it sooner and milked it properly. This whole episode could have been a character-driven bottle show. Oh yeah, there's a final reveal that'll make you go WHAAAA?? The ring was a sentient force trying to communicate and it dropped 20 gigaquads of information in the computers and... Well, that's it. Nothing more is ever said. The hell?!? If you're going to spring a last minute "Trekkish" reveal, you better be prepared to give us a little more information than that. Cut your upteenth corridor scene or that lame "B'Elanna sees a crewman in his underwear and blushed" moment instead.

LESSON: "Science fantasy" is an excuse to do anything.

REWATCHABILITY - Low: A premise that might as well be an excuse to try out a new special effect, and total mishandling of the episode's pacing and revelations. Voyager is starting to get into trouble.

Aquaman Rocks the Gold Shirt

JUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA ANNUAL #2, DC Comics, 1984
So before you tell me that, ok, Aquaman rocks today, but he used to suck solid ass, I will show you an example of "classic Aquaman" rocking my world. Justice League of America Annual #2 is, after all, the comic in which Aquaman destroys the Justice League single-handed!

You heard me. The story occurs after a major space battle with Martian forces has destroyed the JLA's satellite headquarters. Aquaman is understandably peeved because all the team's big guns, like Superman, the Flash, Green Lantern and Wonder Woman were too busy with their petty little lives (read: they had their own comics) to give a rat's ass about this particular adventure and just didn't show up.

In a classic scene, he goes to the United Nations (which has chartered the League despite its imperialistic americano-centric name) and does this:
Firestorm gets in his face about it, with a big "I'm an American and I want a vote", but the King of the Seven Seas is totally in the right in doing this, constitutionally-speaking, as one of the seven original members of the League, and the only one present. The DC Universe's premiere superhero team, and he just kills it outright. That's one big middle finger to all the big boys who think they can just show up to meetings when it suits them. "Look at me, I'm Batman, I can't come to the meeting 'cuz Gotham is one big crime-ridden cesspool, boo hoo!" You gotta lotta guts, Aquaman.

But it's not the end for the League. Aquaman says that if you want to be in the JLA, you've gotta be ready to live and train with the team 24/7. That's just the way it is. He drums out all the members who actually have a life (plus Red Tornado, who only leaves because some editor correctly pointed out that he was extremely lame) and keeps only the most committed. That includes the Martian Manhunter, Elongated Man, and Zatanna (Aquaman doesn't make her pee in a cup, so he's not fussy about her drug habit.)

To be honest, this isn't a great new beginning for the Justice League as they move to a warehouse HQ in Detroit and take on four new members that suck even more ass than Red Tornado did. Except Vixen. Vixen's cool. Here's how she joins the League, and I'm only really showing it because it shows Aquaman doing more than just talking to fish or UN ambassadors:
See that? He's more than a one-trick seahorse! And that was a metal door, in case you weren't paying attention. The JLA definitely needs a respected leader like him, what with the Martian Manhunter going around peeping at chicks in the shower. P.R. disaster in the making, that guy.

The rest of the book isn't all that inspiring (except Zatanna in her teddy flirting with the new HQ's tech guy - meeeeow!). Basically, a couple of the neighborhood kids have powers and they join against Aquaman's better judgment, and writer Gerry Conway sets up a couple of ridiculous romances. (Since I mention Conway here, I should really say that I've always been a fan of artist Chuck Patton's very clean, old school style.) So the Justice League's on a downward spiral, but don't worry, Aquaman's gonna smell the rotting fish and leave before long.

Not quite "Hot", but at least...

Star Trek 481: Non Sequitur

481. Non Sequitur

FORMULA: Parallels + Quantum Leap

WHY WE LIKE IT: What if.

WHY WE DON'T: Reset button. Sigh.

REVIEW: Another Brannon Braga episode whose events never happened, Non Sequitur perverts my favorite line from The Changeling into the title of this piece of irrelevance. I'm not saying that there's nothing here to entertain, but once again, it's limp because it doesn't matter. Worse, as a Harry Kim episode, it should make Harry more interesting and cooler. It doesn't really, and I'm not even sure he's even acting in character.

Harry wakes up in a parallel life in which he never got lost with Voyager and instead became a hotshot runabout designer. He's got a fiancé we knew nothing about (which we should have, every time Tom Paris asked Kim to double-date), but he's ready to chuck it all away because one of his friends got zapped to the Delta Quadrant instead, and of course, because without him, Paris got a raw deal as well. This is the interesting bit of the what if scenario. Without the bonding moment at Quark's in Caretaker, he would have gotten into an argument with Quark, one thing would have led to another, and he would never have gotten his second chance. So he's a drifter and ne'er-do-well hanging out at Sandrine's instead. And also ready to chuck his life away on the notion that maybe things could turn out better on Lost in Space II.

The whole thing is caused by Kim's shuttle intersecting a "time stream" (it's this season's "event horizon" as far as I'm concerned - see Parallax) where temporal aliens live. And while this is revealed by the character of Cosimo, one such benevolent alien disguised as a coffee shop owner, even they don't know how to reverse the effects to the timeline. In fact, Kim and Paris' actions are even more reckless given that there's no guarantee his plan to recreate the accident will work (and how he even detects a "time stream" when it's an entirely new phenomenon, isn't explained). So we have Kim, the most homesick of the Voyager crew, leaving the love of his life, a promising career, and the chance to tell Starfleet that Voyager is still out there; and Tom Paris essentially committing suicide on a technobabble premise and no guarantees. There's a way to write Kim's ultimate sacrifice, but it's all way too easy here (especially with a mistrustful Starfleet on their heels).

It's nice to San Francisco (though it's mostly shots stolen from the movies) and the real Sandrine's. The exterior shots add value to the episode as well. But is there any doubt watching this that Cosimo is "behind" it? At least he's a sympathetic guest star, unlike whiny Libby and the Starfleet jerks. Whatever. In the end, the reset button is pushed and we have yet another episode erased from the timeline. Have you been keeping count? That's 2 in 5 episodes this season (and 3 in all over the first 20 episodes).

And may I say I hate Voyager's extremely short teasers? They're basically just twist revelations without any kind of set-up, and if you switched channels 20 seconds too late, you're already in the theme music. I detested them on first-run, and they are still very unengaging years later.

LESSON: Kim and Paris were always fated to be friends, (but Harry and Libby were never meant to be). Slash fic writers, to you keyboards!

REWATCHABILITY - Medium-Low: Watchable, especially to see alt-Paris, but the magic solution really grates.

Poisson d'Avril!

It's April Fool's and being the francophone that I am, I can't help but think of fish on a day like this. See, in French, April Fool's is called Poisson d'avril, which directly translates as April Fish. Tradition even instructs us to tag people with fish as a joke, as pictured in the following clip-art (the medieval woodcut of the computer age):Of course, the tradition in the DC Universe varies slightly...