Everything I know about hockey

You know how it goes. Everything I know about hockey, I learned from comics. Yes, I'm a proud Canadian. But I've never really watched hockey. The odd final, sure. Bits and pieces, yes. But I never followed a season. Never learned who played for what team. Never understood the difference between offside and icing. Never even watched "Lance et compte" ("He Shoots, he Scores"), despite the fact that a guy I used to play improv with acts in the most recent version of the hit Quebec hockey soap. Whenever somebody asks me who I root for, I always give some nonsense answer like the Toronto Maple Leafs. I only really like them cause Wendel Clarke used to play for them, and I only like him cuz the Rheostatics have a really fun song about him.
Live games are more interesting than telecasts, but I only go to heckle the opposing team. St. Thomas University used to shit bricks when they saw us coming. The whole point was demoralizing them, causing them to make mistakes, fight amongst themselves or even jump in the crowd swinging. I never cared how the game turned out.

But tomorrow begins the national university championship, right here in town, and our school team, the Aigles Bleus are of course playing. They won the Atlantic championship, but in any case are #1 in the country, with the #1 offense, the #1 defense and the #1 goalie. At least that's what I'm told. So in honor of "our boys", I present stuff I know about hockey.

For example... Did you know the fictional cities in the DC Universe have their own hockey teams? Why yes, here's what the divisions looked like in the DCU circa 1990 according to my trusty Atlas to the DC Universe (for Mayfair's DCHeroes RPG):

WALES CONFERENCE
[Adams Division]
Hartford Whalers
Montreal Canadians
Boston Bruins
Quebec Nordiques
Buffalo Sabres
[Patrick Division]
Philadelphia Flyers
Washington Capitals
Metropolis Mammoths
New York Rangers
Pittsburg Penguins
Gotham Blades

CAMPBELL CONFERENCE
[Norris Division]
St. Louis Blues
Chicago Blackhawks
Toronto Maple Leafs
Minnesota North Stars
Midway Wolverines
[Smythe Division]
Edmonton Oilers
Calgary Flames
Winnipeg Jets
Los Angeles Kings
Vancouver Canucks
Hub City Slashers

Other lessons:

Hockey players don't take well to sharing the ice with figure skaters.

Jacques Plante didn't die so all of us could glide.

Tangentially, in professional hockey, goalies are divas. In the real world, goalies are fat guys. In comics, goalies are F$%#ed UP S&M GUYS!

It doesn't matter how you stop the puck, as long as you STOP THE PUCK.

It doesn't matter how you put the puck in the net, JUST DON'T HAVE YOUR SKATES IN THE CREASE!
Which applies to everything you do in life, really.

The penalty box is in the center of the arena, not on the bridge of the Enterprise-D. (Who got that? Who got that?)

And... All movies may be described by completing this sentence: "It's like Mighty Ducks mixed with..."

And so I leave you today with an inspirational true story about a guy who started out moving a couch for his friends and ended up being played by Filles de Caleb star Roy Dupuis. And in between, came to the Acadian Peninsula to do some fishing with one of my friend's grandparents. It's a small rink, people.

(click to enlarge)