Reign of the Supermen #48: Bearded Superman

Source: Superman #139 (1960)
Type: Red K transformation"The Untold Story of Red Kryptonite" is perhaps the lamest Red K story of all time (but feel free to propose your own nominees). First of all, it's a clip show, with Superman recalling every instance of his encountering Red K either as Superboy or Superman, and that makes the title bogus. The framing tale itself has everyone telling Superman not to go down into the ocean to save a submarine crew because the Red K meteor down there is too dangerous (yes, even the submarine crew would rather die than have Superman become fat or something). He does so anyway and is exposed.

When he gets to the Daily Planet to brag about his adventure, he's got long hair and fingernails and a beard. Ooooh. He really should have let those submariners die because now Lois Lane will be on to him. If Clark Kent shows up with a beard and ponytail, she'll know! So Superman does the only thing he can. He blows his super-dog whistle that can be heard by Krypto in outer space and summons both his dog and Supergirl (sadly, by the same means) so they can heat vision his beard and nails away.

And now, another episode of Playing Sims with the Superheroes:

Doctor Who: RTD's 10 Worst Moments

Last week, I described my ten favorite Russell T Davies moments and promised to expose the reverse of that coin. I've sometimes claimed that for every really excellent television moment he's given us, RTD also gave us something to make us ashamed to show Doctor Who to a non-fan. That's not exactly true, as I think there's much more good than bad, but since there IS bad... Here are the moments that made me wince, groan or roll my eyes, moments frequently born from self-indulgence or spectacle-before-logic on the writer's part. As usual for these articles, I'll only use stories for which Davies got the writer's credit and list them in chronological order.

Farting monsters (from Aliens of London)Not only do the Slitheen make kids be afraid of fat people, but they also rob Doctor Who of much of its dignity by also being ambulatory fart machines. The indignity of having the Doctor say the word "fart" alone is reason enough to include them here (despite the fact that I find them well-realized when out of their skinsuits). When I'm trying to hook new viewers, this is inevitably the first hurdle. Many have not gone on to watch the best of Who because they felt Aliens of London was juvenile.

Christmas whine fest (from The Christmas Invasion)
Though The Christmas Invasion is a great introduction to the tenth Doctor, he spends the first half of the story unconscious. That first part is thus filled with Rose whining her ass off. Boo hoo. You're spending the better part of a half hour wishing the Doctor would get out of bed already, not because you love the Doctor, but because you're hating Rose. Sadly, this was a sign of things to come in the second series when it came to Ten's irritatingly selfish companion.

Doctor, why are you a woman? (from New Earth)
The original Star Trek ended with the whimper that is Turnabout Intruder, in which Captain Kirk's body is taken over by an vain, evil woman. That episode comes much earlier for the Doctor as the vain, evil Cassandra possesses the Doctor's body. Beating out a samba with twin hearts and feeling all her "extra bits" may be funny to campy Mr. Davies, but it wasn't to me. What a way to start Ten's first series. No wonder fandom concentrated on the use of the word "chav" instead.

The Absorbaloff's 15 minutes of fame (from Love & Monsters)
Farting cousin to the Slitheen, the Absorbaloff ruins a perfectly charming and off-beat episode by appearing in the last 15 minutes. This monstrosity was created by a young viewer who won a contest to see his creation put on the screen. He'll never live it down. As it turns out, not only is the monster way over the top, but it absorbs a number of likable characters and then FARTS THROUGH THEIR FACES TRAPPED ON ITS ASS!

Love & Paving Stones (from Love & Monsters)
Love & Monsters' last act is so awful, it got into this list twice. I can't let the suggestion that Elton and his paving stone girlfriend have a sex life. Not only is the idea that a woman can survive as a paving stone thanks to a boost of sonic screwdriver completely ludicrous, but RTD had to put disturbing sex images into my head. Look, you can't cater to the kids with your fart jokes, then turn around and refer to asphalt oral sex for... well, who IS the target audience for that bit?

The Gollum Doctor (from Last of the Time Lords)
The Master uses his laser screwdriver to age the Doctor's DNA and make him old, ok fine. Not great, but fine. Voyager-level fine, if you know what I mean. Aging him even further results in turning him into some kind of dwarven imp. HOW?!? Why would you ever go through all that CGI trouble when 1) it's not necessary (I bet a bigger cage for old Doctor costs much less) and 2) doesn't make any damn sense! By the time we get to the inevitable "magic fix", who cares anymore? RTD tells us there are no rules to his universe, so it's no use coming up with a logical or consistent way to fix things.

Voyage of the Damned
I tried to choose just one moment from this Christmas special, but I couldn't. While there are good bits in it, the whole thing was one of the worst moments for me. First of all, it's Christmas, and you're having me watch a depressing disaster movie in which a ton of sympathetic characters die. We've also got indulgent stunt casting, the Queen waving at the Doctor as the Titanic bears down on Buckingham Castle, a terrible one-dimensional and forgettable villain, and more pompous Christ figure imagery than you can shake a spruce at.

The final final fate of Rose Tyler (from Journey's End)
Speaking of depressing. Rose Tyler went out with the emotional bang to end all bangs. RTD couldn't help himself though, he had to bring her back. That in itself is anti-climactic, but where her original ending was grandiose and operatic, her new ending is just terrible. Though the Doctor has found the love of his life again, he leaves her back at Bad Wolf Bay with his normally-aging clone. "Hey Rose, sorry I've moved on, but here's a copy of me who you can't really travel with because he has no TARDIS, haha yeah I know that's where the attraction was." (The TARDIS seed scene was cut so it doesn't count.) Hearing RTD jocularly chuckle at the 'shippers who wanted the Doctor and Rose reunited does nothing for me. He still partly ruined Doomsday's big finish with these shenanigans.

The Master's resurrection (from The End of Time)
Doctor Who has never been hard SF, but it needn't be about magic. Especially where SF characters are concerned. The Master is a Time Lord, so his origins are scientific, as are plots built around him. Not only is his resurrection something right out of Buffy, with spells and potions and demon vortices, but what is the point of giving him super-powers? He jumps around eating people as some kind of Ghost Rider for much of Part I, but by the cliffhanger, has switched his bag entirely. Because you can do a thing does not mean you should do that thing, and I'm perpetually puzzled by how Davies sometimes chooses to spend his CGI dollar.

The Naismith household (from The End of Time)
Not a single moment, but a host of them centered on the Naismith house. For some reason, the house is inhabited by some of the single worst characters ever penned by RTD (which is normally his strong suit). The father-daughter villain team is over-the-top creepy and the alien cacti one-note comic relief. Sinead Keenan - an excellent actress if I go by Being Human - is especially irritating as the resident complainer. As if the writer knows they suck, all those characters are promptly done away with once their plot function has passed. The Naismiths are arrested off-screen and the cacti disappear after the Doctor jumps out of their Pigs in Space ship. The house exists to put the Immortality Gate in it, and the Gate to turn everyone one Earth into the Master. And once that silliness has been painstakingly realized by the CGI team, it's all done away with by the returning Time Lords at the wave of a hand. But I've REALLY gone beyond one moment here...

Runners-up: Burping rubbish bin, Space pig, Lynda's list of reality shows, Smug Rose and Queen Vic, Donna's first scene, Jack is the Face of Boe, Adipose, Cyber-mecha, Gadget Gadget, From Waters to End - the balloon-bursting transition, The Master in a dress, The Doctor falls from the sky, As many epilogues as Lord of the Rings

Those are mine, what are yours?

Reign of the Supermen #47: Mister Super

Source: Unlimited Access #4 (1998)
Type: AmalgamOne of the "bizarre worlds" briefly created by Access and his Dark self included an Amalgamation of Superman and the Fantastic Four. We don't know much about the Super Four except what we see in the following panel.
The team is composed of Mister Super, Supergirl, the Thing and the Human Torch. Blue Fantastinite is an element not unlike Red Kryptonite that has transformed Wyatt Wingfoot into a Living Totem Pole. The Super Four's HQ has, among other things, the Bottle Country of Latveria, and is being visited by the most delicious Amalgam of all, the Silver Streak, who combines Streaky the Super-Cat and the Silver Surfer.

This is clearly Silver Age-level insane and needs its own special issue to fully develop.

Amazons Strike Back

More from Amalgamondays as DC vs. Marvel Phase II proceeds apace. The rules, once again: All Amalgams from any given series see their constituent parts go at it, and the cumulative winner gets to publish those constituents' series. This time around, we're looking at both Amazon and Bullets & Bracelets. The former only really had one Amalgam (Storm/Wonder Woman) and yet Diana was also alive in the latter. I've combined them and the results will decide if Marvel can continue publishing Punisher comics, or if DC instead retains the right to do Wonder Woman. Let's get ready to rumble!
Current score: 4-3 DC
The proof: Round 1 - Round 2 - Round 3 - Round 4 - Round 5 - Round 6

Weight Class - "Trevor Castle": Steve Trevor vs. the PunisherWin: BAM! Trev's dead. (Ok, not really. The Punisher wouldn't kill a non-criminal. But between the WWII Air Force ace who crashed his ass on an island in the Pacific, and the Vietnam/Gulf vet who has mowed down more criminals than the U.S. penal system currently holds, my money's on the latter to at least knock out the former.) 1-0 Marvel

Weight Class - "Monarch": Monarch vs. War Machine
Monarch pros: Depends, who is he this time? Was supposed to destroy all the superheroes in 2001. Currently has the combined power of many Captain Atoms.
Monarch cons: The lame, last-minute, eye-color-changing identity switch from Captain Atom to Hawk.
War Machine pros: Used to be the sober Iron Man. That big spinning machine gun. Stark ingenuity and design. Only ever played by Academy Award nominees.
War Machine cons: Copyright entanglements with the UFC. Stark can't spring for a paint job?
Win: I sooooooooo want Monarch to lose this one, but if he could down a number of Supermen and Wonder Women in fewer panels than the original DC vs. Marvel took with each of its fights, War Machine isn't in his class. Though Monarch wears armor, he's got quantum powers coming from within. As soon as Rhodey jumps a breaker, he's done for. Probably before then. 1-1 all

Weight Class - "Big Titania": Big Barda vs. Titania
Big Barda pros: New God. Trained as a Female Fury. As strong as Wonder Woman. The Mega-Rod. Her heart can only be melted by Mister Miracle. Loosely based on Jack Kirby's wife Roz.
Big Barda cons: Is called Barda. In light of the last "pro", that time John Byrne made her make a porno with Superman. Doesn't like Scott's idiot JLI friends to come over.
Titania pros: Fun to say. Second in female strength only with She-Hulk. True identity a tuckerized version of production assistant Mary McPherson. Wife of the Absorbing Man. Cancer survivor.
Titania cons: Bully. Phobic about Spider-Man. No health insurance.
Win: Another uneven match that shows the two universes don't really use the same power scale. Marvel is far more "street level", while DC deals with "cosmic level" characters more regularly. Barda IS a New God after all, and Titania, a B-level crater in the street at best. 2-1 DC

Weight Class - "Thanoseid": Darkseid vs. Thanos
Darkseid pros: There is no bigger bad in the DCU. The Omega Beams. The Anti-Life Equation. The whole of Apokolips at his command. Based on Jack Palance. JACK PALANCE!
Darkseid cons: Bad dad. A name too many people pronounce Darkseed. Terrible complexion.
Thanos pros: Death's lover. Frequent access to the Infinity Gauntlet. Cosmic powers.
Thanos cons: Derivative (Starlin admits to being inspired by Kirby's New Gods). Unhinged.
Win: The two powerhouses could lay waste to a good chunk of our galaxy while duking it out. Hard to call, but Darkseid is used to playing the longer game. He sends waves of Parademons to distract Thanos, while he quietly plots to Omega Beam the heck out of whatever Soul Gems Thanos currently has his mitts on. Those beams'll find you no matter where you are, and usually at the moment when you're flipping out because Death is sending you mixed messages. 3-1 DC

Weight Class - "Granny Harkness": Granny Goodness vs. Agatha Harkness
Granny Goodness pros: Young Granny Goodness was a fox. Big and strong. Scott Free's nanny. The genius of Ed Asner's voice.
Granny Goodness cons: Old Granny Goodness is a hag. Abusive mother. Single-minded in her nannying.
Agatha Harkness pros: One of the original witches of Salem. Franklin Richard's nanny. Mentor to the Scarlet Witch. Her familiar, Ebony, turns into a panther.
Agatha Harkness cons: A disowned evil son. Kind of frail.
Win: On the one hand, Granny let Mr. Miracle slip free of her orphanage. On the other, Agatha kept boy-god Franklin Richards safe and in check. But this isn't a nannying competition, it's a fight! Granny sure didn't expect all that magic to come out of that skinny old lady! 3-2 DC

Weight Class - "All Highfather Odin": Highfather vs. Odin
Highfather pros: Highest God of New Genesis. Tamed Darkseid's son Orion. Reads the Source's burning messages.
Highfather cons: Taken down by Ares and replaced by Takion, of all characters.
Odin pros: Highest God of Asgard. Strict disciplinarian. The Odin Force can be used for just about anything, including turning a disobedient son into a mortal. A couple of crows for spying, and an 8-legged horse for riding.
Odin cons: Lost an eye (so it's no longer fun and games up in Asgard). A 24-hour Odinsleep once per winter. Ragnarok has him dying in the maw of the Fenric Wolf.
Win: Unless Highfather brings the Fenric Wolf, it's not looking good for the New God. He's really no fighter, and Asgard's All-Father is warrior through and through. Old Izaya ends up spiked on the end of Gungnir, I'll tell you that much. 3-3 all

The Main Event!
Weight Class - "Amazons": Wonder Woman vs. Storm
Wonder Woman pros: A warrior (for little boys) AND a princess (for little girls). Feminist icon despite the costume. Linda Carter. Can give Superman a run for his money. The lasso of truth. The bracelets of bullet deflection. Diplomatic immunity.
Wonder Woman cons: All that bondage stuff from the 40s. Famously difficult to write for/keep publishing. JMS. Invisible plane jokes.
Storm pros: Power over the weather. Thief skills. Considered a goddess in her home country. Once led the X-Men.
Storm cons: Fickle about haircuts. Halle Berry. Had to marry the Black Panther, cuz you know, Luke Cage was taken.
Win: REMATCH! It's no secret that one of the most bogus outcomes from DC vs. Marvel was the Diana-Ororo match-up. If you'll remember, Storm hits Wonder Woman with lightning, zapping Diana into unconsciousness. AFTER Storm brushes off a kick to the head. Yeah, right. This time, the Superman-level warrior babe gets her due. As the storm clears, Diana stands over the prone form of one comatose "goddess". 4-3 DC

DC edges out at the very end there, meaning it must continue to struggle with the apparently unwritable, unsellable Wonder Woman title. Sorry Marvel, that Punisher cash cow is off the racks. Harsh, but you shouldn't have made me mad by having Storm win that fight all those years ago.

Overall score 5-3 for DC. Can they hold on to that lead?

This Week in Geek (29/11-5/12/10)

Gifts

We're planning an Ed Wood marathon sometime this month, but everyone was kind of bummed that I didn't have Orgy of the Dead, but it turns out Wood didn't actually direct that zombie stripper movie. He did write it though. So let me get this straight, there's a guy so low on the totem pole, he directed an Ed Wood script?! Thanks to my friends Isabel, Ludger and Shotgun, we need not have that marathon without that little piece of celluloid. Yay!

"Accomplishments"

DVDs: Flipped Dollhouse Series 2, and this time, it's the real end. In order to tell a complete story in so few episodes (relative to American series anyway), the show had to shift paradigms a bunch of times. Though the first jump is a bit quick, you soon get in the groove. Far less episodic, what we're getting is a complete and apocalyptic arc. Now if I can only stop dreaming about mind wipes, I'll be able to move on. A couple episodes have commentary tracks, and the DVD also has outtakes, deleted scenes, a retrospective featurette, a round table discussion with Joss and some of the cast, and a comic book with yet another part of the grand story.

I then flipped It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia Seasons 1 and 2 (let's call it a change of pace). I'd seen the first few episodes of the irreverent comedy a short while ago and longed to see the rest. It's the kind of half improvised stuff that speaks to me. The second season adds Danny DeVito to the cast (required by FX to sell the show) and though at first it breaks the guerrilla mood (you know you're watching Danny DeVito as opposed to all the unknowns who might as well BE their characters), he soon makes himself at home. Fun enough that I'll be springing for other seasons. A few episodes have always entertaining commentary tracks, and the DVD also includes scenes from the original pilot, a couple of actually informative making of features, outtakes and Kaitlin (Sweet D)'s audition... as Dennis. It's a fun, cheap package.

Another change of pace: The Corner. This 6-episode HBO mini-series is the seed The Wire grew out of, telling the true story of a family of addicts on the Baltimore streets. When I describe The Wire, I always talk about how each season adds another piece. First the cops and the drug dealers, then the unions, then politics, the school system and the media. You could also say The Wire Season 1 only added the cops because the addicts and corner boys get their due first in The Corner (though obviously not with the same characters). Shot documentary-style, though with an eye for the lyrical, The Corner is raw and real and often affecting. Though there are no extras on the DVD, look for the last 5 minutes of episode 6 for a quick update with some of the real people behind the stories told.

Our Kung Fu Friday selection this week: Ten Tigers of Kwangtung by Chang Cheh. The story is more or less like every Chang Cheh story - some guys want to kill other guys because those guys' masters killed some other guys. The trick this time is that there are a TON of characters introduced in the space of an hour and a half. 15 on the heroes' side alone! Though it's a bit confusing at first, it's a tribute to the director's prowess that we know who each of them are by the end. It's not quite as relentlessly violent as some other Chang Cheh films, though the kill shots are shocking and memorable. Some good choreography in there too. The DVD has a very good documentary on Chang Cheh, but sadly, it's the same one that's on Dragon Dynasty's release of The One-Armed Swordsman. Otherwise, there are trailers and a stills/promotion gallery.

Music: Couple weeks back, I reviewed the Doctor Who Specials soundtrack, so I can't help but make a comparison when talking about the superior soundtrack for Torchwood: Children of Earth. At half the length, it's more "of a piece" with recurring themes throughout never sounding repetitive. The music by Ben Foster falls into three broad categories: Melancholy pianos and voices for the children and Ianto, driving beats for the action, and strange atonal sounds for the 456 aliens. The best compliment I can give is that it made me want to watch Children of Earth again, something the Specials did not. Even the DC booklet is superior. Instead of a slim track by track comment, there's an interview with Foster and a running commentary that takes us through each Day through its music.

Books: "Cats Are Weird and More Observations - A Cat Book by Jeffrey Brown" is the sequel to Cat Getting Out of a Bag (also handsomely published by Chronicle Books). This second volume adds color - and I love Brown's color felts - which helps because it also adds a multi-cat situation. If the first volume covered the basics of cat behavior, this one nails down even more of their feline shenanigans and interactions. It's great work, well observed (he's really got my cat's number in some of these) and takes longer to read than you'd think. Or maybe it's just that I wanted to make it last a while, so I only read a few pages at a time.

Hyperion to a Satyr posts this week:
II.ii. New Arrivals - BBC '80

Reign of the Supermen #46: Kaleb

Source: Superman: The Man of Steel Annual #5 (1996)
Type: FutureEarth is dead. Those who once might have called it home are long scattered to the endless stars. But in that scattering on a thousand different worlds, by a thousand different ways... Earth's greatest legends live on. These are... Legends of the Dead Earth!

Kurt Busiek and Paul Ryan's particular legend takes us to the planet Hydros, a beach paradise planet whose inhabitants aren't unlike those of Krypton in that their cells can store stellar energy and give them powers if taken off-world. And that's exactly why the Imperium is there to destroy it, as they've done to dozens of such worlds. Our boy Kaleb becomes the last survivor of his doomed planet when he is rescued by rebels, including the beautiful Lang. And look at those Imperial Guards, look familiar?
To quote Peter Pan/Battlestar Galactica: All this has happened before, and it will happen again.

Taken off Hydros, Kaleb has powers in the Superman range, though his energy beams come from his hands, not his eyes. By taking the Superman name and shield, he taps into the legend and inspires many to join the cause, while also giving the Imperium a bloody nose, Luke Skywalker-style. He eventually attempts to infiltrate the Guard, but it turns out winners of the "Become a guard" contest are actually thrown into a gene bank to clone soldiers from. And it turns out the Emperor is none other than Lex Luthor himself!
He's on his 60th body, slowly growing his next one, and having gone way of Davros. He's also gone quite mad, convinced Kaleb is the original Superman who's somehow defied death as well. With a little help from his friends, Kaleb escapes, destroying Lex's clone. The old guy might be on his last body after all. As the war continues, the rebels find yet another world that could breed superhumans, but Kaleb convinces them to leave it alone, neither creating a slave army, nor a potential unbeatable enemy. In the final days of the war, he brings a pregnant Lang to this world where he has no powers to avoid any complications with a super-powered baby. Though they must soon return to the war, they know they will one day return to this world they've called Solitude.

It's all rather sweet. Busiek does it again.

What If... Wolverine Was an Agent of SHIELD?

We're just about to enter the 90s (as far as cover dates go anyway), but we're already there in spirit: A Wolverine story drawn by Rob Liefeld? Early Liefeld is more palatable than his later work, for some reason, perhaps because of the inkers (Karl Kesel on Hawk & Dove, for example), or someone else doing the layouts (Valentino in this case), but there are still some pretty dodgy anatomy here and there. As to why Liefeld is credited for "inspiration", I don't know. The story was his idea? Because it's a pretty terrible What If? story. To begin with, I've never been enamored of "Agent of SHIELD" stories. There's not much of a turning point in any of them, and in this case, the changes to the timeline either aren't earned, or all happen AFTER the issue as told in narration. But I'll let you decide for yourself...

What If vol.2 #7 (December 1989)
Based on: Incredible Hulk #181
The true history: Wolverine never joined SHIELD.
Turning point: What if SHIELD asked Canada's Department H for help?
Story type: Agent of SHIELD
Watcher's mood: Cabled
Altered history: After Wolverine, the Hulk and Wendigo fight in the "wilds of Quebec", Mac Hudson of Department H arrives to pick him up, and he's with Nick Fury. Seems like SHIELD requested help to sniff out LMDs (Life Model Decoys) sent by Hydra to infiltrate the organization. Logan is loaned out, more or less against his will. He quickly finds out that the Helicarrier's chief of security, Dum Dum Dugan, has been replaced.
Wolverine and the Black Widow hunt all the LMDs aboard ship, with Logan's sniffer preventing friendly fire where it can. Oh yeah, and in this reality, Wolverine is the one who gave the Widow a haircut.
It was always meant to be. Destiny at work, ladies and gentlemen. SHIELD rescues Dum Dum from Hydra, after which Nick offers Wolverine a permanent job. So long, Canada! And no thanks, X-Men.
Later, Baron Strucker gets his final revenge on Nick Fury, forcing his flying car to crash into the river and exploding. Normally in comics, that would mean he's still alive, but whether that's true or not, Wolverine is made SHIELD director in his stead.
This is when we're told how the world was changed for the better. Wolvie used his authority to stop Steven Lang from re-creating the Sentinels. The X-Men never went to the moon to stop them, so she never became Dark Phoenix. Wolverine also used his connections to discredit Senator Kelley and defeat his Mutant Registration Act, and so persecution of mutants was halted and Days of Future Past never resolved as a potential timeline.
Books canceled as a result: No Dark Phoenix Saga, no Days of Future Past, no Wolverine in the X-Men... That means the X-phenomenon doesn't really happen. To this day, there's only one X-Men book, though there might still be multiple Wolverine titles, and there's certainly none of the Cable/X-Man garbage.
These things happen: Wolverine has worked with Nick Fury in a couple of mini-series, but hasn't actually joined the organization. In the Ultimate universe, the Weapon X project was overseen by SHIELD, and in Super Hero Squad Show, the Squad (including Wolverine) is part of SHIELD (Ms. Marvel is SHIELD leader) and based on the Helicarrier.

Next week: What if Iron Man Lost the Armor Wars?
My guess: No worries, Tony's sitting on a powered boxers patent.