Cat of the Geek #99: Cheshire Cat

Name: Cheshire (point of contention)
Stomping Grounds: Alice's Adventures in Wonderland (in various media)
Side: Chaos
Breed: Cheshire cat
Cat Powers: Appearing and disappearing at will, completely or partially. Consequently not as heavy as he may seem. Not easily beheaded.
Skills: Eat 3, Sleep 4, Mischief 8, Wit 7, Philosophy 7
Cat Weaknesses: Just another Wonderland jerk who likes to confuse little girls. Color scheme acceptability subject to change.
Some of the Cheshire Cat's Other Smiles:
Uhm... better quit while I'm ahead.

Reign of the Supermen #105: The Leper of Krypton

Source: Action Comics #363-366 (1968)
Type: TransformationAnother amazing Silver Age thriller because YOU demanded it! (It's true!) Can Superman really get sick?!

It all starts thanks to another piss-poor performance by the DCU's penal system, letting Lex Luthor work from a lab to cure mad cow or something. Instead, he exposes a virus to kryptonite to recreate a Kryptonian plague he somehow knows about. After the murder of a cute bunny rabbit, he arranges for the "Virus X" to be smuggled out of prison in a ventriloquist's Superman dummy. The ventriloquist in question is the villainous Ventor who has brainwashed Clark Kent with a giant mesmerizing Superman head.
He passes the virus on to him and commands him to kill Superman. In this state, Clark doesn't know HE'S Superman and winds up following his instincts to his own apartment and dosing his own pillow with Virus X. Infected, he first exhibits the virus' trademark panic attack and rips off his clothes, revealing the Superman uniform underneath. And still he doesn't realize who he really is. Looking in the mirror and seeing his necrotizing green flesh, he finally remembers... Remembers all the way back to Krypton history where Virus X originated.
Right then, Lex Luthor hijacks every television channel from prison and gloats over infecting Superman with space leprosy. Metropolis citizens, knowing leprosy only from the Bible (just as the comic's writer probably does), immediately start shunning the Man of Steel, melting down artifacts in the Superman Museum, etc. They don't want his help no more. And as proof he's very much contagious, an alley cat brushes against him and immediately turns green.
The best medical science can do is put a thin, transparent film of fiberglass around him, but Luthor offers more. For a cool million, he says he can provide a cure. He can't or won't however, it's just a ploy using a made-up double for Superman's sick cat (how'd he know about it? the same way everybody knows things in these comics - they are magically aware of every panel featured) to screw with Superman AND make a few bucks. Yeah, the cat died within an hour of infection (LUTHOR KNOWS ALL!!!).
Watch out, this is where it gets particularly Silver Agey. Superman flies off to the Fortress. Supergirl is waiting for him with a plan to send him to the Phantom Zone until a cure can be found. The Kryptonian criminals use their mental powers as a barrier however and prevent him from entering. To make sure Supergirl isn't accidentally infected, Superman somehow makes the bottled city of Kandor's alarm go off, making Kara go check things out. There is no emergency, she's just trapped while Superman makes his funeral arrangements. He really doesn't trust her because he first destroys every weapon in his trophy room, then locks away his "secrets" in a vault for 100 years. Even his will kinda shafts Kara:
He then puts on a rubber mask so that the people of Earth don't need to gaze upon his leprous face and boards a rocket/coffin bound for the "universe's hottest sun", Flammbron, where he wants to be cremated. As some guy says "It's the saddest day in history!" (sorry, EVERY EVENT THAT EVER COST PEOPLE OR KITTENS THEIR LIVES!) Damnnnn, Kal! You even made Batman cry!
News travels fast in the DCU, and as Superman passes by various planets, they put on shows of grief, even on Luxor where they think Luthor's a hero. Well, if he unleashed Virus X on someone, he must be a baddie!
And Superman watches it all from the corner of his eye. It makes his super-recall flare up and the third chapter of this mini-epic turns into something of a clip show. He's awakened from his reverie by a pair of Bizarros throwing red and white chunks of kryptonite.
(Can you figure out where this is heading?) Then Supergirl shows up with Superman's three girlfriends under glass.
If you think this isn't very realistic, you're right. You'd expect at least a SMALL cat fight. Anyway, they leave before Superman enters Flammbron's corona (I'm not making this stuff up - why would I make this stuff up?). And look! There's people living on the surface of the universe's hottest spot!
They save him from the mother of all sunburns and he discovers he's cured of his Space Leprosy. Of course! White kryptonite is only deadly to plant life, and Virus X must be plant-based! The Flammbronians send him on his way. It's the least they can do to the guy who once PUKED FIRE INTO A FLAMMBRONIAN CORPSE AND RAISED IT FROM THE DEAD!
Superman returns to Earth and whines a great deal about his memorial being left unfinished, his name being used to support political candidates, and Superman costumes being sold at a discount. Turns out Supergirl has concocted a plan to make the JLA pose as Superman to give people - choke! - hope! Which only leaves one question... Which Justice Leaguer endorsed a politician in Superman's name in the 1968 U.S. elections?

Spacetime's 5 Dumbest Time Travelers

Unfortunately, not all time travelers can be geniuses like The Doctor or Rip Hunter. Some of them might in fact represent considerable danger to history, yours and mine. I'm not even talking about the Marty McFlies and the Bills & Teds of this continuum. Though perhaps ill-equipped on paper to deal with the whole of history, they were at least street smart enough to survive and prevail. No, these are the absolute rock bottom of time travel dumbasses. Do not let near another time machine!

5. Time CommanderSource: Silver Age Brave and the Bold stories
Method: A special hourglass (comic book science)
Plaguing Batman and Green Lantern in two consecutive team-ups (Brave & the Bold #59 and Brave & the Bold #69), the Time Commander stands as perhaps the worst time travel villain of all, well, TIME! (Yes, I'm counting early Chronos stories in there.) The links above tell the tale, but TC could not only decide what KIND of time travel villain he was, but also used the exact same stratagem on the same heroes twice, from the same hidden HQ. Losing control of the time monster you summon seems par for the course after that. Why so high on the list? Seems like writer Bob Haney made everyone else just as stupid in those stories, so I'm adjusting on a curve.

4. Pavel Chekov
Source: Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home
Method: Slingshot around the sun
Oh Chekov... Being a dumb kid worked fine when you WERE a kid, but it just seems unbelievable that you would make it to commander in your middle age with that particular head on your shoulders. Asking 1986 San Francisco citizens where the nuclear wessels are is funny. The interrogation aboard said wessel, in which you spill the beans about Starfleet in a full-blown Russian accent during the Cold War, that's just stupid. Pavel just edges out Scotty in that same film for talking into a mouse.

3. Jamie McCrimmon
Source: Doctor Who
Method: TARDIS
Most Doctor Who companions are required to play cabbage heads so that the Doctor can explain the plot to the audience, but if I had to pick the most cabbagey of them all, it would be Jamie. At this point in the show (the late 60s), the companions were very much pitched to a younger audience, and Jamie is a big child. Paired with either Victoria (whose job was to scream loudly) or Zoe (the girl computer), it was the naive, wide-eyed Scotsman who asked all the stupid questions in addition to getting knocked out or kidnapped on a weekly basis. Lowest point: Pointing at Cybermen, shouting about the Phantom Piper coming to get him.

2. Jamal "Sky" Walker
Source: Black Knight
Method: Magical moat
It's the Connecticut Yankee as played by Martin Lawrence. Martin. Lawrence.

1. Phineas Bogg
Source: Voyagers!
Method: Omni
For my money, especially after recently watching the whole of the 80s tv series Voyagers!, Phineas Bogg has to be the dumbest, most clueless, most ill-equipped time traveler of all spacetime. How did this guy ever graduate from Voyager School (even with its admittedly low standards)? This is the guy who, in the pilot, mistakes World War I for the American Civil War, and it's not his stupidest mistake. Watching Voyagers! is PAINFUL because its protagonist is so obviously dense. And poor Jon-Erik Hexum... some actors project intelligence no matter what role they're in. He's not one of them. Doyyyyyyy...

Or perhaps your timeline has been contaminated by someone else? The comments will tell!

Reign of the Supermen #104: Gangbuster

Source: Adventures of Superman 446-450 (1988)
Type: The real dealAs I was saying Saturday, late 80s-early 90s Superman had a pretty fragile psyche. The first big blow came after he executed the pocket dimension's Kryptonian villains, a trauma compounded by remote Brainiac attacks, splitting his personality in two. Superman/Clark Kent by day, Gangbuster by night! Superman as a violent street vigilante? It happened!

And José Delgado was never able to take Superman to copyright court because the Man of Steel took off for outer space, just out of Justice's jurisdiction.

Hey Kids, Daleks!

Because it's important to teach your kids life-affirming lessons about tolerance...

And yet, are there any toddlers you've ever been more jealous of?

So... when do we get a Mr. Sontaran Potato Head?

Reign of the Supermen #103: The Diro

Source: Action Comics #314 (1964)
Type: Alternate timelineIt's Amalgamonday, and we look in again on Jor-El as he forecasts his son's destiny as a hero. Whatever planet he's sent to, he becomes a different member of the Justice League! But where will he become Superman? Not here.

This week: Becoming Batman
Landing site: Saruun, a planet that only knows night because the fools put a giant satellite between it and its red sun.
Adoptive parents: A grim, but good lawman who teaches his foster-son to become the best lawman ever.
A new life: Following his father's dream, he dresses up as a "diro", a flying creature indigenous to Saruun - a cross between a bat, a stingray and a hammerhead shark. He strikes fear into the hearts of criminals.
Final score: B+

Jor-El doesn't want to condemn his son to unending darkness, not when there are juicy yellow suns out there...

This Week in Geek (24-30/01/11)

Buys

Spooks/MI-5 Series 8 just came in the mail, which made for a very long time to wait and see how 7's cliffhanger would play out. And I see Ruth (Nicola Walker) is on the cover. She's back! Sweet! And tired of waiting for Amazon.ca to relist the Doctor Who RPG's Aliens and Creatures, I went for the 5$ pdf (thanks to a Cubicle 7 sale on DriveThruRPG). It's got me all a-twitter for some Whovian role-playing again.

"Accomplishments"

DVDs: The problem with the first half of Alias Season 2 is that it feels so self-conscious about its own complexity. While it may not have been too bad watching week-to-week, back-to-back on DVD, the characters seem to always be regurgitating the same points. There's a lack of confidence there and it's not helped by the severe reduction in action when compared to the first season. But that all changes with a couple of shocking game-changers, a return to great action set pieces and the flocking of movie stars to guest roles. Roller coaster indeed, and not unlike how many an episode is structured (with a resolution, then a new cliffhanger). The DVD includes 4 episodes with commentary tracks (again, solid and no spoilers), a 45-minute making of the finale (which gets us through each step of the production), featurettes on costume and make-up, a few deleted scenes, a well-produced blooper reel, a lame "making of" the video game, and some relatively entertaining radio interviews with members of the cast and J.J.

"Beat" Takeshi Kitano directs and stars in Violent Cop, a 1989 Japanese selection for Kung Fu Fridays, which you could describe as Dirty Harry without the charisma. Violent Cop, like more than one late 80s-early 90s Japanese film I've seen, is raw and almost documentary-like. The director manages a jaded brutality and a stylessness that nonetheless doesn't forget to create memorable shots and lots of tension. Low production values somehow translate into a world that seems strange to my Western eyes, more than Japan usually does. Another plus: The music sounds like Sherlock's. No extras to speak of on this release.

Audios: With Nick Briggs' ascension to the producer's chair at Big Finish, the 8th Doctor is given a new companion (sitcom star Sheridan Smith as Lucie Miller) and a new format based on the New Doctor Who. These 50-minute episodes were released in close proximity to each other (on BBC7), mostly one-parters with a couple of two-parters, and with an overall arc focusing on the companion. Throw in some big stars, a mix of new and old enemies, and future and historical locations, and you've very much got something that could air on tv over the course of 2-3 months like the Davies (and now Moffat) show does. After listening to the first four episodes, I'm also left thinking that I wasn't tired of McGann's 8th Doctor, but rather of his audios' character dynamics. Charlie has been aboard the TARDIS since Doc8 started those adventures and C'rizz remains a non-character to me. The writers may be as bored with that team as I am.

Lucie Miller shows up literally out of nowhere in Blood of the Daleks Part I, sent to the TARDIS as part of a Time Lord version of the witness protection program. What has she seen and who has sent the "Headhunter" after her? Her relationship to the Doctor is thus very different, sort of a Donna to Charlie's Rose, not all that impressed with the Doctor and frequently mocking him. They warm up to each other by the third episode, but for now, their antagonism creates some sparks, and is kept entertaining by writer Steve Lyons and the actors (again, more Donna than, say, Tegan or Peri). The Blood of the Daleks isn't that great an opening story though. It's hard to do something new with the Daleks, and Blood doesn't have much freshness to it. It's ok, but Part I has guest actresses with near identical voices going back and forth, and Part II features a big battle that's just screams and blasters. It's all noise and bluster. Perhaps it needs to be. It's all just window dressing for Lucie's introduction, which is where the interest lies. (Someone attempted a visual trailer for the new duo on You-Tube.)

Horror of Glam Rock is a stand-alone episode that takes the Doctor and Lucie to a 1970s roadstop diner known for attracting glam rockers. It's by Paul Magrs (which I have now found out is pronounced "Mars"), so you just know it takes the mickey. The title is only one bit of fun to be had in this audio, along with nice performances by Bernard "Wilf" Cribbins and Una "Sherlock's Mrs. Hudson" Stubbs, and actual songs (including a hilarious take on the Doctor Who theme). Magrs of course peppers this thing with references to music, much of it going above my head. Like New Who episodes, it feels a bit thin at times, with a quick victory over the monster of the week, but as with the television show, the focus on character makes up for it. Up til now, this series has revitalized the Eighth Doctor audio adventures for me.

Jonathan Clements' Immortal Beloved takes us to the season's halfway point with a story about young lovers who would rather die than suffer their destiny as receptacles for their brain-switching parents modeling themselves on the Greek gods. Ian McNeice guest stars as "Zeus". Again, the regulars are quite good together (and apart), the wisecracking Lucie somehow bringing a different performance out of McGann's Doctor. If the audio has a flaw, it's that the TARDIS crew are for the most part observers in the drama, rather than being its movers and shakers (at least, until the very end). Still, a well-enough rendered science fiction idea with solid performances from both the guests and the regulars.

Elsewhere on the Net: Jon K interviewed me this summer for a feature he calls "Way of the Geek". And I don't sound too much like a moron! Qapla!

Hyperion to a Satyr posts this week:
II.ii. The Fishmonger Scene