The Thing's got a good lead at 3-0 against the Batman, but he's got to worry about the Bat's comeback skills...In the orange corner... we have the Thing and Black Goliath, written by Bill Mantlo and Jim Shooter and drawn by Sal Buscema and P. Marcus, Marvel Two-in-One #24, Does Anyone Remember... the Hijacker!?
In the black corner... it's Batman and Black Canary, written by Bob Haney and drawn by Nick Cardy, Brave and the Bold #91, A Cold Corpse for the Collector.
DING DING DING!
The Stars
The Thing is visiting Los Angeles to help scientist Bill Foster (secretly the Black Goliath) take readings in an environment meant to simulate conditions on Venus, conditions that quickly crushed even the sturdiest Soviet probe.
And all the pressure and toxic fumes manage to do is make him whine a lot. When the Hijacker attacks, Ben has some trouble getting out of the cage and then stopping the villain's Crime-Tank, but he eventually rips out something from the vehicle's underside and saves the day. And our boy Ben doesn't care who this Hijacker guy is, which is the best part of the issue.
See that finger? He's gonna flick you with it. And it's gonna be awesome. +6 pointsThe Dark Knight Detective is trying to figure out the identity of the mob enforcer known only as the Collector, but he keeps being thrown off the trail by Earth-1's Larry Lance, private detective, and perhaps a little love triangle angst concerning Black Canary. Who could blame him?
Still, he's got good instincts, and can immediately recognize Black Canary in her black-haired civilian identity. He's also developed the uncanny ability to generate voice-over without the need fo pesky speech balloons or captions.
After a cool underwater knife fight, guess what, the Collector gets it in the gut. Hey, it's not murder if the other guy was handling the knife, right? +6 bat-pointsThe Guests
The Black Goliath, one of L.A.'s few resident heroes (now deceased in a controversial storm of oh no you di'n't!), doesn't do as well. As with Don Blake in the previous story, Mantlo has the guest star do more heroic things as a labcoated civilian than as a costumed hero. Witness! Ben Foster crawling on his hands and knees to grab the Hijacker's ankle!
But as the Black Goliath, he just gets a satellite dropped on his head, then gets captured by an experimental dune buggy with robot arms, and really needs the Thing to bail him out. +3 pointsBlack Canary manages to be foxier still in her civilian identity.
However, she's not exactly furthering the cause of women's lib here. After the death of her husband Larry Lance, Canary moved from Earth-2 to Earth-1 to start a new life. A new life that, judging the from the above, involved stalking the interdimensional duplicate of her late husband and "make him love [her]". Douchey P.I. Lance is actually "more exciting" than her own Larry ever was, and belts Batman a good slap when he "jealously" intimates that Larry might be a bad guy. She eventually realizes she was a "love-sick fool" and cries a few tears until Batman compliments her. And now... awesome Canary-cycle action!
The fence of heavy logs that came next didn't have a chance. +6 bat-pointsThe Villains
As the story's title points out, the Hijacker isn't quite the household name. He's an old Ant-Man villain who got trounced by the tiniest man in Marveldom once. But he's back, and he's trying to steal a stash of Stark weapons meant for SHIELD. And though he has absolutely no sense of style, he does really well here. Among other things, he's armed with a gun that sets off equipment, and he uses it to make three intercontinental ballistic missiles shoot out at the Thing.
And what can we say about his Crime-Tank! It's largely indestructible and it almost grinds our two heroes to paste/gravel. Seeing as he almost beats two super-strong characters, I'd say he's come a long way since the Ant-Man days. +7 pointsThe Collector has a collection of strange methods to get his man or his money, but he "always collects". Old favorites include drive-by throwing off a bridge, explosive newspaper bundles, and deadly croupier's equipment:
But it's not all so reasonable. He's also got a guy on salary to dress up as Batman and tell the mob bosses what Batman is no doubt thinking (a method actor). However, he's rather good at leaving a false trail of clues and letting Black Canary seduce him. Yes, he's Larry Lance. But though he manages to manipulate Black Canary to do his bidding, he makes one crucial mistake. See if you can spot it:
That's right, he's taking her AWAY from the bed. +6 bat-pointsOdds vs. Ends
From Marvel Two-in-One:
-Missed opportunity: The Thing gets hit upside the head by a drum of aerospace lubricant.
I thought for sure this lubricant would be used to some effect, like making the Crime-Tank roll of Ben's hide or something. But no, nothing. As disappointing as hitting a dry Wet Banana slide. -1 pointFrom Brave and the Bold:
-Nick Cardy gets a bat-point just for getting up in the morning and agreeing to draw Brave and the Bold. He is awesome. +1 bat-point
-I've seen people scream their way down to a watery death before...
...but not shout a series of comedy "no's" like this. +1 bat-pointFarewells and Scoring
Unfriendly farewell: We're used to Ben getting the cold shoulder from his guest-star, but the tables are reversed this week:
Foster's trying to get in good with one of the "cool" heroes from back East, but he gets called a NEWB instead. +2 pointsFriendly farewell: Black Canary's just lost her husband 2.0 so Batman does the natural thing - hit on her!
And horsie makes three! TOO MUCH INFORMATION! +3 bat-pointsBatman finally gets in the game! It's Black Goliath 17, Black Canary, 23! It was close, but it really came down to the Marvel guest-star not pulling his weight. Then again, he was up against Cardy's Black Canary. Can you say "no chance"?
