Outsiders vs. Masters of Disaster - Which Is Most Disastrous?

Batman and the Outsiders #9 - Pages 11-15
Let's get down to brass tacks (or at least, brass-plated ones). OvMoD - who wins? At least the villains have the same insecurities as the heroes...True, Becky's not a name that inspires terror, but then, neither is New-Wave (unless you're on a very niche radio station and broke your frequency button). Still, it could be worse:
"Look Out" is a pretty awful supervillain name, though if you had it, you wouldn't have to worry about your role in the team being ill-defined. Sort of like "The Driver" and "The Weasel Who Betrays the Team". And then Psimon shows up!
Ah. No. That's just a hostage with a shower cap. The Ms of D react by... looking up and stammering. Maybe they ARE worthy of the Outsiders. Watch out, jerks, because Black Lightning was hiding in that pile of manure!
(Yes, that's a metaphor for the team.) And thank you Batman for giving Geo-Force some credit. Thanks a LOT. We're probably going to pay for that with JLA memberships and Final Crisis specials. But let's use that rising anger and FIGHT!
Katana's brought her extra-long sword (it's taller than she is!), but don't worry, she's not allowed to stab anyone with it. And if you want to take back GF's credit, you can always ask why the team's flying powerhouse is taking up the rather safe rear. Now, please take your score cards out...

First match: Metamorpho vs. New-Wave - Polymorph selves!
She's not trying to rust you, Rex, because you're not made of metal. Way to understand your own powers, dude. Turn into acid yourself already! And can New-Wave turn into ANY liquid? Or is that just actual acid rain? Don't be a baby, Rex, I've been sticking my tongue out for acid rain all my life. I lived near a paper mill. A PAPER MILL!!!

Second match: Halo vs. Windfall - Glee club!
It's a draw! Halo reasons that if you have the same age as your opponent, that's enough in common to become friends. She obviously hasn't seen Mean Girls. So they just fly around all night when clearly, the girl who can shoot 8 kinds of energy beams should be able to knock out the girl who buffets her with wind.

Third match: Black Lightning vs. Coldsnap - To the beat of the music!
"Blackie"? Really? I know it's a play on his superhero codename, but still. Coldsnap definitely deserves a decathlon kick to the head.

Fourth match: Batman vs. Heatstroke - Batman don't need no theme partner!
This has happened to me. Snow sliding down a rooftop has fallen on me that way. It did not knock me out. It did not put me out of action. And my body temperature was normal too, none of that "so hot I will melt my boyfriend" kind of crazy body heat. So while I will never deny Batman a win no matter what the opponent's abilities, let's at least make it a contest!

Fifth and final match: Geo-Force vs. Shakedown - Earth Day!
And GF gets bailed out of trouble by Katana. He's more or less evenly matched with Shakedown, and has extra powers to spare (lava blasts, flight) and he still needs the petite woman in the group to karate chop his dancing partner into submission. Or is he bracing himself against a building for another reason?
But Shakedown... you haven't TOLD US what you want! I guess Batman will have to be that guy.
Wait, didn't Geo-Force anti-grav those hostages away? Not very far it seems, because they still count as hostages! Way to go, college boy. Now your pal BL is gonna have to sacrifice himself. What have you got to say for yourself?
That's a pretty extreme response, so I have a theory to explain it (that is so ME, isn't it?). Obviously, Geo-Force thinks the Masters of Disaster are recruiting. Among the disasters they represent, they don't have a thunderstorm, so of course, Black Lightning is their target. But what about GF? Sure, they have an earthquake guy already, but he could be volcano eruptions or something, right? What some people will do to get out of being roomies with Metamorpho...
So "Blackie" leaves with the Mastas, and the Outsiders just stand there looking at them leave. You know, they didn't bring the hostages with them, you should just pursue. But who am I to tell Mike Barr what to tell the Outsiders to do?
And though we're only on page 15, I'm afraid the conclusion to this story will have to wait a few months when I get up the courage to do issue #10, because now we have to break for that Halo solo story. (Priorities?) So you'll just have to be patient before you can find out how Batman, armed only with the cut-out masks of his friends, will free Black Lightning from Disaster.

Tomorrow: Halo goes to band camp.

Bruce Wayne and the Party Crashers

Batman and the Outsiders #9 - Pages 9-11
After a fair amount of subplotting (if you can call Katana and Metamorpho getting a bite to eat a "subplot"), we head for where the action is about to take place - a Gotham City ghetto. Of course. And look at that, 1984 is just like the New52! Lots of talk about urban renewal! The more things change...And who goes to every ceremonial ground-breaking he can? Why billionaire dilettante Bruce Wayne, of course! Partayyyyy!
Well, there you have it. Bruce Wayne loves to drink champagne and eat caviar in the poorest neighborhoods of Gotham, with a blond model on his arm. That's just how he swings. It's not enough to HAVE money, you've also got to RUB IT in people's faces. (But how the HELL is the city spending its money?!) But charity work, right?
Right. And Meredith?
Meredith is a girl who just loves hanging out with socialite types at construction sites in a bad part of town. Bruce sure knows how to pick them shallow. Of course, he's secretly funding this housing project so... did he do so anonymously? Leave a million-dollar envelope on the mayor's doorstep? Since when is this kind of thing kept secret from the media? Sometimes, it feels like you could take down the Batman with a single request under the Freedom of Information Act. And may I also say? Worst reporting job ever (well, until Robin Scherbatsky hits New York).
And then it turns dangerous. For gold shovels anyway. Now, how will the mayor defend himself (and his ego, oooh, sarcasm burn!)?
Yes, it's the Masters of Disaster crashing the party of the year by pulling a reverse-Die Hard (1. they're outside and 2. they pose as thieves but have another agenda). Heroes, ACTIVATE!
The World's Greatest Detective guesses that "Masters of Disaster" + costumes with obvious elemental themes + Heatstroke melting the only potential battle shovel in sight = Lame Mike Barr villains worthy of the Outsiders. He beeps them, 1984-style.
What kind of bedroom games were these two playing? Oh, there's a chess board in the background. Hu-huh, that's what he meant. Hey! How the hell do you cut from Metamorpho going on a date with Katana to THIS? Isn't the whole point of "meanwhiles" to show action is happening more or less simultaneously? Why set up a situation only to ignore it a couple pages later? But since everybody's at home in the following panels, we have to assume the crashed shindig happens later in the day. So Gotham City is also paying overtime for its municipal catering crew? Bruce might want to look into what he's funding exactly. Bet those gold shovels don't come cheap either.
You know, Mike Barr, your subplots run so slow that I can't tell if Halo talking to herself has something to do with HER, or with Katana's sword, or with goblins in the bowels of the Wayne Foundation.

BEEFCAKE ALERT! Ladies (and other like-minded persons), take heed:
Everybody gets an annoying beep, but Black Lightning at least gets a personal call. Batman can be classy when it comes to people he thinks are real heroes.

Tomorrow: Black Lightning watches the end of that music video on MTV, then heads off to fight the Disasters!

The Outsiders Take on Japan

Batman and the Outsiders #9 - Pages 8-9
From Geo-Force's guest-staring role on Community, we go to Katana's Japanese-language book store, "Dragon Books". When Batman gave her this side-project, I wondered aloud if there was much of a clientele for her wares on Gotham City. Let's check in on "Mrs. Yamashiro".So at least one customer. That's good! Or as the following panels reveal, it's actually THREE customers! Pretty incredible, especially AFTER Christmas, but I suppose Gotham is brimming with Yakuza whose wives and children have to entertain themselves while their husbands are participating in bowling leagues/clan wars.
Customers are expected to wear ill-fitting hats, produce proof of majority before flipping through samurai kama sutra books, and not mind the odd English-script sign done up in "Chinese Restaurant" font. If expecting few or no books about martial arts in such a store, they are reminded to look at the word "marketing" in the dictionary.
Leaving together? Aww, just one customer then - a family unit. But wait, there's someone else approaching! It may be the busiest the store's ever been!
Crap, it's just Metamorpho. And judging by Katana's reaction, the store is so QUIET that she can just take off and leave it unattended. Dragon Books - Opening hours subject to change without warning. Why doesn't she just get a mail order service and be done with it? But maybe Rex will show himself encouraging and buy something.
Or maybe not. And he's LIVED in Japan. He's the target audience AND a friend of Tatsu's and even he takes a pass. Let's just say it's a good thing Bruce Wayne is financing this front. And it's not that Metamorpho is anti-Japanese (a real risk in a place where many people dress in 1940s fashions). He's game for some Japanese cuisine.
Sushi, yes. Wasabi, no. I didn't even know he ATE. Sometimes I think the 1980s are really far into the past, a world in which studio execs write a definition of sushi for Bladerunner, and "horse-radish" is eaten with "raw fish" by people who have lived in Japan. Cut to...
Air Tokyo is a fictional airline, by the way (it makes as much sense as New York Airlines). Question: How many of you have brought (or in these times, been allowed to bring) an umbrella aboard a plane? Because many of these Japanese tourists are bringing one to a snowy location. It's the opposite of packing light. Just to make sure, they're packing bathing suits and horse saddles. You never know what you'll need. Wait, why ARE we looking at this plane?
Because Katana's lascivious and/or dangerous husband is aboard! I know for a fact that he doesn't show up again this issue, so it's gonna be a slow flight.

Cut to... next week. And Batman. I promise.

Learning to Fly - Position 10: The Disembodied Head

Being a series of vignettes aimed at educating the super-powered reader about the various possible permutations of the flight posture.This one isn't for everybody.

In fact, you might need to have extreme shape-shifting abilities. Or be a spaceship. Or maybe even a sentient planet. Or perhaps make a really crazy sacrifice. But if you've got what it takes, there's nothing quite like the look on your enemies' faces when they see YOUR face (and ONLY your face) turn the corner. Great for getting into tight spots your shoulders can't (unless you're a planet, of course), and maneuverability tends to be pretty high.

Variations include straight up telekinetic (preferred) or the "Metamorpho" with exhaust comin' out of your head-ass.

Batman and the Outsiders #8 - Pages 22-23

Are you about ready for this issue to END? I am! And with Tannarak turned to dust and all the kiddies de-aged back to normal, what can be left except an epilogue, perhaps with a cheesy Christmas "message"? But wait..."GET OUT!!! GET OUT OF HEEEEERE!!!" (Ooops, sorry, Star Trek III flashback.)
Another baby?! Will he ALSO be Tannarak, or perhaps Tannarak's even more evil twin? Better handle the birthing mother like she's radioactive sludge! Put your lead gloves on! Cue some intense waiting action!
Do you know how many crimes have been committed in Gotham while Batman and the Outsiders wait around for a baby to be born? Dozens (in post-Flushpoint compressed timeline, HUNDREDS). At least now Katana can read an issue of Cosmo cover-to-cover and maybe find herself a MAN. And after an indeterminate amount of time...
Batman and the Phantom Stranger smile at the sound of babies crying. These guys are SCREWED. UP. So Carol's second baby is born, but is it friend or foe?
An exact twin... except for the goatee and magic powers, presumably. Oh naive 1980s... that doctor just admitted to malpractice. That would NEVER happen today. Watch those premiums go up, doc! You may indeed have "bet your practice". But no one's gonna remember this day, apparently...
Awkward and inappropriate touching aside, what is the purpose of having everyone but the heroes forget these events? Will Mrs. Whitfield still have a shiner? Will Lt. Freeman wonder why his open cases haven't been touched? Will the Dennisons wonder how they got to the hospital? This has got to be the most gratuitous use of the "Zatanna gambit" ever. Hey, maybe the Stranger just doesn't want anyone's Christmas to be ruined by pesky memories. It also means that though the Outsiders just fought a "name" villain, no one's gonna remember. Mike Barr is really adverse to having them build their reputation, isn't he? Also, to revealing ANYTHING about Halo's origin.
In this shot, Katana is way taller than Metamorpho. Discuss. Oh, and cue cheesy Christmas message:
"Help" is the operative word here, Rex. The babies were actually saved when the Phantom Stranger - on the case since before any of you - destroyed Tannarak. The Powers That Be gave Carol a second baby to "balance the scales". All the Outsiders did was deal with a distraction (rabid babies), and in the case of Geo-Force, actually bring the pregnant woman compatible with Tannarak's essence to the Children's Hospital where that essence lay in wait. And all this despite your "personal problems", boo-hoo, hero.

Speaking of better Christmas presents, that's just about when I'm due to over-critically analyze B&TO #9 and that "Halo solo story" (because no one demanded it!). See you then!

Batman and the Outsiders #8 - Pages 19-21

When we last saw our hero, he was doing his magically delicious thing to the best of his ability to stop evil magician Tannarak who had just been reborn into the body of Baby Boy Dennison. Tannarak got the best of him, breaking the hospital ceiling and showering bits of cardboard tile onto the Phantom Stranger. (Yes, that's our hero. If you thought Batman or an Outsider, you're reading the wrong blog and/or comics series.) The Stranger is in trouble! Can we get some support from the title characters PLEASE?No, I DON'T understand Metamorpho's bon mot. Fudgcicles? What the hell is he talking about? Sounds like banter prepared for last issue's Cryonic Man and never used. I admire Rex's recycling instinct, but you really need to wait for the right supervillain to come along. You're in the same town as Mr. Freeze, so how about showing a little more patience? Not that he needed to intervene here. If the shovelhead movement is to be believed, then the Stranger was nowhere near the falling debris or else he'd have been shoveled too. But since he completely disappears for the next two pages, maybe he IS in there! With his nemesis out of sight, crushed by debris inside Rex's shovel, Tannarak turns on the new crop of heroes.

"Warm-hearted" isn't an epithet I would ascribe to the Phantom Stranger... or Batman... or Katana. Does Rex have one? And if you think Tannarak misses here, you're mistaken. The spell bolt clearly goes around the corner. He wasn't shooting at them at all, and half the Outsiders still managed to fall all over themselves dodging. No, the bolt was going to...

...the maternity ward! That spell? Summon Rabid Newborns!

It's true, Batman! It's a 2nd level spell from the Charm/Invocation schools. I've got the listing right here! It allows you to summon 1d6 +1/level babies, turning them into 1 HD monsters with a pesky grab/grab/suckle attack combo. Not much in the way of damage though, but the Outsiders ARE the Special Olympics of the superhero set.

Batman's strategy for the completely overwhelmed Geo-Force: Use your lava-spurting, earthquake-making, super-strengthing powers DEFENSIVELY. Oh and don't hurt the babies. Batman always tells you only what you absolutely NEED TO KNOW. GF needed to know that.

Maybe he should have said something to samurai sword mistress Katana...

Ah yes, that old trick. Everything Katana learned about children, she learned from Silver Age Super-Baby comics, in which shiny objects always made baby Kal-El turn his rocket around so he could use a star as a rattle or something. Rabid babies do like their knives, it's true. How is Geo-Force using his powers defensively?

Dude. Never shake a baby. Never. Meanwhile, Rex, currently a gold playpen, praises GF for "tumbling" to a pretty simple strategy. Maybe Batman could have been clearer about what to do with his defensive powers, but it's better if they figure it out for themselves, y'know? Also "tumbling" is Halo:

Yes, Tatsu is always going on and on about her tractor beam. While the Outsiders are fighting BABIES, the Phantom Stranger is going up against the big bad.

And unlike Batman and the Outsiders who wouldn't DARE touch a baby, the Stranger is ready to do what must be done, even if it means killing Tannarak's host body, until a few minutes ago, a newborn baby! In front of his mother, no less!

Oh Carol, were you gonna breastfeed him? Ground him when he was bad? Pay for his education/bail? At least you got to see him grow up. Grow up, grow old, and turn to dust.

It was the right thing to do, and all the kids now drawing a pension are returned to their normal ages - dare I say it? - magically. Except for Baby Boy Dennison, of course. Aww--What's that? This Christmas isn't over? Two pages to go? See you Sunday then!